When Diagnosis Rewrites the Story. pt2.

Why It Happens

When someone receives a late diagnosis of ADHD or autism, it can feel like an emotional earthquake—unearthing years of struggle, misunderstanding, and missed support. For the individual, this is often a period of profound re-evaluation. And for those around them—especially their manager—it can be a period of sudden and surprising relational change.

So why does this happen? Why does a diagnosis lead some people to pull away, become distant, or even seem hostile to the very people who’ve supported them?

The answer lies in a complex mix of psychology, identity, and emotional processing. Here are five key mechanisms at play:

1. Emotional Reframing 

Once someone receives a diagnosis, they start seeing their past through a new lens. That meltdown in the team meeting? That wasn’t a character flaw—it was sensory overload. The missed deadlines? Not laziness, but executive dysfunction.

This reframing is often accompanied by a deep sense of grief. And where there’s grief, there’s often blame.

2. Retrospective Anger and Loss 

With insight comes the realisation: “I was struggling and nobody noticed.” This realisation can trigger a wave of anger—not necessarily at specific people, but at the systems, environments, and interactions that failed to support them. Unfortunately, managers often represent those systems.

3. Shift in Group Identity 

Post-diagnosis, many people begin identifying more strongly with neurodivergent peers and less with previous professional or social circles. Managers—particularly those who don’t share that lived experience—can suddenly feel “other,” even if they’ve been kind and supportive all along.

4. Cognitive Dissonance 

There’s often a conflict between “I’ve always liked my manager” and “they were part of an environment that didn’t support me.” To resolve this, the brain may tip toward rewriting the narrative: “Maybe they weren’t that supportive after all.” It’s not always accurate—but it feels emotionally safer.

5. Affinity Bias in Reverse 

Ironically, the same bias that leads us to trust people who are like us can also cause us to distrust people who no longer feel like part of our emotional in-group. Post-diagnosis, some employees feel closer to influencers or support communities than to their employer. It’s not that they’ve forgotten your support—it’s that their emotional centre has shifted.

Understanding these mechanisms doesn’t mean tolerating hostility or stepping back. It means responding with empathy, perspective, and boundaries.

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That’s why the second part of our course walks managers through these psychological shifts—clearly, calmly, and without judgement. When you understand why this shift happens, you’re no longer stuck reacting to it. You’re equipped to meet it head-on—with curiosity, not confusion.

Diagnosis isn’t just a medical label—it’s a personal reframe. A new story. And like any good story, it comes with conflict, evolution, and emotional depth.

When you understand the story, you’re no longer a character someone’s pushing away. You’re part of the plotline that helps move things forward.

To book your place on this brand new course click the button below:

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